I AM A JEALOUS GOD! (Testimony)

August 15, 2023 3 Comments

I AM A JEALOUS GOD!  (2018)

 When God spoke those words into my spirit, I jumped, and could only imagined what was coming next. We know from scripture when God would say that to individuals or a group of people, it would be for specific reasons, and He wouldn’t be entirely happy in some of those instances. After hearing that, I had no idea what He was talking about, but He began to explain the meaning to His statement.  First, let me take you to the beginning of what led up to that encounter with the voice of God.

I was on my way to visit my husband early at the hospital on a Wednesday morning, because he was recovering from surgery the day before. When I walked into the room, he was alert and was not in much pain. After greeting each other, his nurse walked in the room, and my husband began telling her about the remote not working the night before. She asked him to show her how he was turning the TV on, and after observing, she showed him the correct way to operate it. From that point, he searched the channels to find sports, westerns and old TV shows which he dearly loves, and was so happy being able to watch his favorites again.

 After being there for a while, his phone rang with some of his friends calling to see how he was doing after the surgery. While sitting through all of this, I began to feel neglected. Yes, me the independent person who know how to rearrange most issues, so they can work together in harmony to my liking that would be acceptable for a great outcome. I checked my heart to see if what I was about to say to him was coming from meanness, pride or any other hidden agenda on my part, or if it was something I truly needed to talk about.

 I said a prayer to clear my heart of any wrong motives I’ve used in the past to get my way with him, so my slate would be cleaned. I began the conversation with me coming to spend time with him talking and enjoying each other’s company, and not watching old movies, sports, or listen to his conversations with others on the phone for what seemed like hours. I said, I thought we could conversate about his surgery, or whatever else we needed to speak about since we didn’t have much chance before his surgery to discuss some important matters. He didn’t quite understand what I was trying to say, and he couldn’t figure out why I was upset, because he felt there was no reason to be.

 After about thirty (30) minutes of sitting and not communicating with each other, I told him I should leave so I could complete some tasks at the house before he was released from the hospital, instead of just sitting in silence while I was there. He didn’t try to persuade me to stay, and I didn’t feel bad about leaving. I admit, I was hurt because I felt like I was being ignored. I was also upset with him because he knew he could always depend on me no matter what, especially when it came to what he needed, or what he needs to do with my help, for I was always there for him.

 I came back the next day, and it was a repeat of the day before of him watching TV and talking on the phone. I couldn’t believe it! He always acknowledge when others would come into the room, even though he wanted them to hurry and leave so he could watch his shows. Mine you, he is a wonderful husband and provider, and makes sure I have what I need in all areas for the functioning of the household and for myself personally. I’ve always known how much he loves to watch old westerns, sports, and other old shows of interest since before we were married, but I thought time and growing older would bring about a change. That didn’t happen.

  Watching TV is a serious matter to him.  Since his working schedule before surgery filled many of his waking hours and he would only have a couple of hours of watching TV and eating before going to bed, he was in his type of dog heaven. There was no pending job to perform, he was free to watch as many programs he wanted to, and it didn’t matter whether he had seen the TV shows before. Watching the shows over, and over again, was what he liked to do.

 You might say I was sounding a bit jealous, and maybe I was. Here was something occupying all my husband’s attention, and I was not that something. You may also say I should have been more thankful because it could have been another woman, or other vices that wouldn’t be pleasant to think about. Yes, I was thankful, but I also wanted to feel that I was important to him as his wife, companion, or friend, during this time.  

 Maybe I should have considered his feelings a little more, but I wanted some wifey time – especially since I wanted to visit him. I also felt empowered a little, you know, like being able to call the shots of some things while he was temporarily unable to take care of himself in areas.

Yes. you do hear a little feeling of pride/control there. I was the wife, and I should be honored and respected like one. That is true if you think you deserve to be honored and adored as a wife. I thought I deserved to be treated differently, and I wanted this other vice to stop for a while, at least, until we return home. His surgery would cause things to change in a big way for a few months. 

I know being a child of the Most High God does not give me permission to manipulate or try to control the actions of my husband, or any other person. Emotional manipulation is a sin, and it does not matter if I felt I was being mistreated. Living a holy life has always been important to me, but there were times I felt like I needed to help God out in some of these areas. In this season of my life, I want God’s perfect will for my life, even if it turns my fleshly emotional feelings, upside down.

When I accepted Jesus Yeshua in my heart, I learned it was a sin to manipulate, or try to control my husband or anyone into doing something they didn’t want to do; and not realizing It would not work. Believe me, you don’t want to secure anything by those measures. They are never permanent, and there are always consequences to pay when you go in that direction. I know because I have had to pay dearly with the consequences that followed,

There is nothing wrong with wanting your husband to love and treat you with respect, because it is what loving wives expects. I started thinking since he was partially mobile and needed me to help in areas he had always mastered, he would gladly accept my choices as being the best. I was thinking this was the perfect time to have all those missed conversations at home, and we would have plenty time to discuss and resolve what was on the table. It became apparent that my thoughts, were not on his mind.

 Again, I only visited with him about an hour that day and excused myself to go home and continue putting things in place before his coming home the next day. There were certain odd jobs that needed to be done in the house, so when he came home, he would not have trouble maneuvering around the house with the walker without hurting himself. The next morning, my husband called to say he would contact me when all the papers and permissions were signed, and I could pull the car in the patient loading area to pick him up.

 He knew some discharging times could take long and didn’t want me to have to come to the room, go back down downstairs to get car from the parking area, and then pull the car in the loading zone. I told him I would wait to hear from him.

 Then early afternoon, he called to say he wouldn’t be discharged. He said that day was being used as an observed holiday for the government, and the administrative personnel authorized to give permission for the special type medication he needed for coming home, were not on duty. Because of certain rules the government have, no other outside doctor could authorize his release, so he had to remained hospitalized for the weekend. He was not happy but accepted the statement because he knew at least he would be coming home in a few days. I told him I would stay home that day but would see him the next morning. It worked out for the both of us, because I really didn’t want a repeat of the days before, and there were errands to run before he came home.

 You see, I had been quite busy (3) months prior painting and re-decorating every room, cleaning and downsizing belongings and non-essentials. I also wanted my husband to have a man-cave to himself, so bringing about this was important. It wasn’t a big task, but there were some must-do’s before his surgery date. There were small details in other parts of the house that needed to be completed, so I was using the time I was not at the hospital, to finish pulling them together.

 Sunday came, and I only had a couple of things to complete, but my body and mind was tired. I hadn’t been getting much sleep/rest at night from all the of the work during the past (3) months of re-decorating, and it was finally catching up with me. My mind needed rest also from trying to figure some things out, that only God could resolve. Some nights during his stay in the hospital, I would lay in bed nights praying and crying out to the Lord about things I had on my altar of prayer; but thinking about how my husband was ignoring me when I came to visit, was at the top of my list, always. I would give God a list of what he wasn’t doing and what he should be doing. My mind was fixated on me, me, me, and the emotional pain I was feeling.

 I did thank God for my husband provisions and his care for me, but I also wanted the Lord to touch his heart in a loving way so he could understand what was going on inside of me as a wife. During the time of transitioning the inside and outside of the house, I felt this was one of God’s orders in this season. I felt this was very important to God’s agenda for us. In the beginning of the redecorating the inside of the house, I had trouble believing that this was a mandate from him. I knew God had put this on our hearts to do, but I wondered why now, when in previous years of having a great desire to redecorate, God would alter the plans and give me something else to do in that season.

 Even though I knew this desire was from the Lord, it was yet a little hard to accept. I would pray, God is this you?  I kept asking, because the funds could be used for another work in ministry. This thought constantly was in the back of my mind, until a sister in- the- Lord confirmed that God had put it in her spirit, that it was time for me to do this. That story hopefully, will be covered in another book in the future.

When I called and spoke with my husband Sunday morning, I told him I wouldn’t be coming today because I was not feeling great, and he said it was okay. I knew it was more than okay with him, because it was Sunday football, and he would be completely happy watching his pastime. Listen how I am surmising about what I thought he was feeling, but I truly believed it to have been the truth.

 I was very happy worshipping, singing, praising and thanking God for who He was in my life, and my worship time was awesome.  I felt the power and anointing of God all day while finishing the rest of the minor details in the house. Later, in early afternoon while standing at my kitchen window looking out as I often do when I am in deep thought about something, I heard a small still voice saying to me – “I am a jealous God.”

I turned to the left where I heard the voice, and I said, “What?” The Lord repeated it again to me, “I AM A JEALOUS GOD.”  I said Lord, what do you mean. I knew without a doubt, it was the voice of God. He began speaking to me so tenderly, because He knew my heart was racing, and he wanted to quite my mind, heart, and body. “He said, remember how you felt when your husband did not give you his full un-divided attention? Remember how it hurt you deeply because you couldn’t understand why your time seem not to mean a great deal to him? Well, I have felt the same with you, wanting to have un-interrupted time with you.”

“I know you spend many hours singing to me, praying to me, worshiping, praying for others, honoring, and thanking me, as you did today, and that is good to do. Many in my church spend countless hours praying, praising, worshipping, and honoring me, while they are busy doing other things at the same time.”

“Their attention is divided between me, and whatever else they are doing at that moment. This is very good for them to participate in, but there are other moments it is essential for my Church to get in my presence and give me their full un-divided attention. I would like their complete attention and mind, solely focused on me for “I am a jealous God.”

 The Lord Said, "I felt the hurt and pain you felt from your husbands’ actions, and by me sharing what you felt from your husband in this way, you can know how I've felt during some of these moments with you. In saying it to you in this way, and at this moment, you are able to share and know my pain, and you will know from this, that I need your full un-divided attention. I need and require your full un-divided attention more, so I can commune with you. During this time of fellowship, I can answer many of the questions you have prayed about and will show you great things in the Spirit. I need time with you to give you clarity on scriptures, so you can understand some of the things that are hidden. This will help you feel that I am special to you in many ways, and that I am everything you need."

"Just as you wanted your husband’s undivided attention in what seemed like a great opportune time, I have felt the same way when I desired time with you. There will be times when I will require your un-divided attention when it may not be convenient or timely, or you may be engaging in other activities."

 As the Lord began sharing his feelings with me, the tears were coming down heavy because he was allowing me to feel his pain when I pushed him to the side for something or someone else. He knew I would feel the genuine pain because I had experienced it first- hand.  He demonstrated his great love for me in a way that spoke volumes to me. I shared in his pain, because I had experienced that same feeling with my husband, and it didn’t feel good at all.   

I asked the Lord to have mercy and please forgive me, because the depth of hurt He was talking about from His heart, was deep within me also. I said to him with the help of His Holy Spirit, I do not ever want to cause you to hurt like that again. As I began to think about his showing of great love for me, and it was being done with compassion, understanding, and tender correction, I knew there was much more to this revelation God wanted me to be clear on. I realized there was depth in the things he was speaking to me about, and it encompasses other areas in my life, and I want to share them.

Life Lessons Learned From Father God: About The Importance Of Spending Quality Time, And Giving My Undivided Attention To Him. 

 I am learning that there is a great need for me to give God my un-divided attention often, and to make the time intentional. I felt for a long time that as I was worshipping, praising, and praying to the Lord while doing my chores or other matters, this would be acceptable all the time, as a sacrificial offering to the Lord. But No, in our society, it can become nothing more than multi-tasking.

 I felt as long I was trying to keep my mind on the Lord, this would be sufficient, and I didn’t feel that it was a great need for anything else. For sure I prayed a lot, but the problem was I was not waiting in His presence to hear deeply and clearly, and to be able to see farther in the spirit realm. I prayed with words, emotions, especially when there were problems. I knew how to call upon the Lord, but waiting on an answer, or waiting to see what the Lord said about the situation was a little time consuming, I thought. There was this feeling that I could be doing something about the situation because of my insight.

 During a time in my life while feeling lost, I believed I was anointed, appointed, and mantled to do the work the Lord had called me to do, and that the Lord’s Spirit was in and with me, but yet, the void I would feel made me aware that there was something missing. I would try to pray longer, harder, or go on a fast, but the feeling would always come back. What was missing was that quality and needed time spending in the Lord’s presence, waiting, listening to him, and during those times, there wasn’t any need to have a list of desires, wants or requests for myself or others. This time was to be special with me and the Lord.

 How My Relationship With The Lord Became Personal

He wanted me to know and understand that I couldn’t go forward without getting instructions from Him, by His Spirit.

Even though He had already given me a starting point and other instructions at different times for what He had called me to do, I didn’t have the complete instruction book.

I needed to always rely on Him for whatever problem that was presented before me. He also wanted me to seek and wait for further instructions as I travel the path He has already carved out for me, by His hand.

He conveyed to me in a way that was so loving, that I couldn’t use someone else blueprint, or ideas no matter how great they looked or sounded, I had to wait on Him to lay out my destiny blueprint.

 

 Targeted Points To A Deeper Revelation, And The Revealing Of His Heart. 

There were many ways I made God jealous doing the work He had mandated me to do, because often, I would become so engrossed in the production, until it would become like a little idol with me. Have you heard the saying; this is my baby? Oh Yes, some things were definitely All Mine, by Myself, indeed.

The work was important to do, of course, but it is all about His Will, and His way of doing things. It was not how others thought it should be done, or even how I think it should be done, it should always be God's Agenda.

If I continued doing the work without stopping to get refreshed from Him, I would soon become tired, aggravated, or burned out, and my movements would be as a robot, instead of demonstrations of wisdom and power.

When I didn't stay in fellowship with the Lord in Spirit and in Truth, chaos and confusion would manifest making it difficult bringing the mandate of God together. When this happens, I would resort to using my own insight to quick fix the situation. When I wouldn't wait on instructions from the Holy Spirit, and would align myself with others who have no interest in the plans or heart of God, and allow them to take the lead in the project, everything would unravel.

I had to establish in my mind that God was all knowing, and if He had entrusted the work to my hands, He already knew the ending from the beginning. I also had to understand He was not setting me up for failure, because He is a loving God which allows mercy to triumph over judgement, but who knows discipline comes with our learning His Ways, and His Character. Amen.

STUDY SCRIPTURES:

1. Proverbs 16: 2-3 (KJV) ² All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes; but the Lord weigheth the spirits. ³ Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.

       2. Luke 16:10 (KJV) ¹⁰ He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.

      3. Psalm 37:4 (KJV)  Delight thyself also in the Lord: and He Shall give thee the desires of thing heart.

       4. Proverbs 21:1 {KJV) The Kings heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever He will.

*Emotional Manipulation - is the use of devious means to exploit, control, or influence others to one's advantage.

  As You Read This, May God Grant You With Increased Revelation, Wisdom, Knowledge, And Understanding Concerning Your Walk In Him. Amen!

 

Note: Transparency - If You Have Read Other Personal Blogs On This Site, You Probably Have Notice The Beginning Focus Has Been On Me, (prideful) My Emotions, And What I Desired. God's Purpose For Me In These Personal Blogs, Is Not To Write About Other's Weaknesses Or Sins, But To Share What Brought Me To That Hard Place And The Path Required Of Me - To Bring About A Much Needed Change In My Life. I Can't Confess Other People Sins, Faults, Or Weaknesses, I Can Only Confess Mine To Receive Forgiveness, Grace, And Mercy; So That I May Come Back In Right Standing, With God.

 

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Whose Servant Is He? (Testimony) - Cynthia Pinckney Ministries, Inc. 

 

 

 

 

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